A Haven of Fanfiction Cliches
by boredomsolution
Summary: This story is probably one of the most random things you will find on this site. My friend and I write these things in class and then I post them, just for kicks...some of you may know me as geminiginny here, the first chapters are up on my profile too.
1. Chapter 1

PART ONE

Harry: How unlucky I am! I should prefer to be in Azkaban than in this bloody cupboard under the stairs! Oh no! I see spiders everywhere, but I can't eat them! I HATE my life, and I'll never see my parents again, and I have dreams of Dobby eating my face off every night. I can't take it any more! I QUIT MAGIC.

Peter: I want cheese.

Harry: Shut up Peter. You're ruining my angst session.

Sirius: Siriusly. Hehe.

Harry: SHUTTUP.

Hermione: Harry, you do realise that we're at the Burrow, not a cupboard under the stairs…right?

Ron: Yeah Harry. You're scaring me, taking about spiders like that…

Hermione: Oh, get a grip Ronald.

Fangirl: OBAMA WON!

Harry: Who the hell are you? Why are people interrupting my angst session?

Hermione: We're HERE for you harry. Well, I am, as soon as Ron stops chasing me.

Ginny: I love Draco Malfoy!

Harry: WHAT?

Ron: WHAT!

Hermione: WHAT?!

Harry: How very DARE you? Draco is MY BOYFRIEND.

Everyone: WHAT?!

James (junior): WHAT? I'm dating Scorpius!

Ron: Who names their kid Scorpius?

James: I love the name Scorpius. It's SEXY.

Everyone: * shivers *

Scorpius: I am here, you know.

Everyone: * shivers *

Harry: I can't believe that my son is dating my lovers son.

Scorpius+ James (junior): EWWWWWW.

Malfoy: Wait, WHAT? We're lovers? Since when?

Harry: Since second year.

Malfoy: And you didn't TELL me?

S+J (junior): YAY * kiss *

Everyone: Awww.

Ron: Ewww.

Albus Severus: WHY?! I WAS IN LOVE WITH SCORPIUS!

Scorpius: WHAT? Hey, that's kinda cool. Maybe we could have a thr-

James: NO.

Fangirl: OBAMA WON!

END PART ONE.

**A/N: This story is not so much a story as something that passed the time quickly in Latin and Chemistry. Doing a particularly boring translation in our first lesson, my friend and I realised that the main character had a whiny dialogue akin to ANGSTY fanfiction Harry. My friend – let's call her Wilvercan Triplet for now to keep identities safe – came up with this first part. The second part was written by me in Chemistry, and is in, yes, you guessed it, the second chapter. We read them to the rest of our friends at lunch, and hilarity ensued. **

**N.B. – The 'fangirl' character is based on another of our friends. She is perma-happy, more so after OBAMA's AWESOME VICTORY. Inside joke, so sorry if you don't find it funny!**


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO

Lupin: Where did everyone go?

Tonks: Um, away. Look! My hair is pink!

Lupin: Huh?

Tonks: I LOVE YOU! I mean, pass me that pumpkin pasty.

Lupin: I can't be with you, Nymphadora! I'm too dangerous! I don't love you! I'm GAY!

Tonks: * faints *

Everyone: WOAH.

Lupin: Where the hell did you come from?

Everyone: We were helping Harry with his angst.

Sirius: That kid has problems. My godson sucks. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Snape: Indeed.

Everyone: Snape? EWW.

Ron: You're dead.

Snape: Didn't you ever listen in potions, Mr Wesley? I CAN PUT A STOPPER IN DEATH.

Hermione: Why are you here?

Snape: For YOU, Miss Granger.

Hermione: Me?! EWW. That's disgusting, Professor!

Snape: You know you want me really.

Hermione: Okay.

Everyone: TRIPLE EWW!

Ron: Get your hands off my girl!

Snape: Shut your mouth, Weasley. You know that you really love Luna Lovegood.

Ron: Okay.

INTERLUDE

Sarah Palin: All this free love is disgusting. It's practically SATANISTIC!

Laura Mallory: FINALLY. Someone agrees with me.

Sarah Palin: Let's go and ban the Harry Potter books! I mean, as the governor of Alaska, I'm practically the ruler of a continent, so…

Laura Mallory: YEAH. Praise the Lord!

END INTERLUDE

Sirius: Where are Draco and Harry now?

Lupin: They're probably fucking each other in the back garden.

MEANWHILE

Garden Gnome 1: WOAH.

Garden Gnome 2: I didn't even realise that position was POSSIBLE.

Crookshanks: EWW.

END OF PART TWO

**A/N: Any political or sexual comments in this chapter are JOKES, okay? I don't want any reviews saying stuff like 'Sarah Palin is trying to save our children from hellfire and gay sex is – well – GAY!!!' because I'm not interested. Relax. Just trying to avoid unpleasantness. I'm sure none of my readers would do that anyway, but I can't deal right now, okay?! **


	3. Chapter 3

While Harry was stripping for Draco, Ron came in and was like, 'OMGWTF?' And Draco was all,

'This isn't what it looks like!'

Ron was like, 'So what is it?' looking at Draco's crotch and all.

'Well, it is, but I'm undressing because I'm HOT.'

* reverting back to normal method of dialogue in this story *

Harry: You ARE hot Draco.

Ron: WTF HARRY.

*Skips to other characters, because this one just carries on like this. Draco suggests a threesome, and Ron goes 'OMGWTF' as usual, 'cos he can't say much else. But Ron is definitely straight, so nothing happens. *

James: I'm glad we're together.

Scorpius: I'm glad you're my fuck-buddy.

Together: Yeah.

Scorpius: It is a shame about that threesome though…

James: Eww. He's my BROTHER. That's INCEST.

Scorpius: Doesn't stop middle-aged women writing erotic fanfiction about it though.

James: I'm cross. Don't talk to me.

Scorpius: NOW I see why everyone thinks you're so much like your father.

James: Nobody loves me.

Scorpius: Oh God.

James: Everyone's against me.

Scorpius: Here we go…

James: NO ONE CARES! My life sucks, and my boyfriend likes my brother, and my parents are DEAD.

Scorpius: No, they aren't.

James: SHUT UP.

Rose: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sooorrrooow.

Hugo: Shut up Rose.

Rose: But I'm in love with a GAY guy.

Hugo: Who?

Rose: SCORPIUS!!!

Hugo: He's GAY?

Rose: Where have you been? Hiding under a rock? He's been fucking James!

Hugo: James is GAY?

Rose: * facepalm *

Ginny: I wonder where-

Hermione: In the cupboard.

Ginny: And I've misp-

Hermione: Under the desk.

Ginny: …?

Hermione: I'm very clever.

Ginny: I th-

Hermione: I know.

Ginny: I hadn't even fin-

Hermione: I know. I'm brainy, remember.

Ginny: Screw-

Hermione: Me, yes. Do you ever say anything interesting?

Ginny: Well I think we should-

Hermione: Fuck. With handcuffs and chocolate sauce and whipped cream.

Ginny: …I can go with this.

* blackout *

**A/N: Here is the latest instalment for all people that might be reading this. I know the first two chapters are also posted on my original page, but as this story is a joint effort I wanted to create a joint account. So, please, review so I can be happy!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

Whomping Willow: WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA'AM!

Bird: Oh sh-

Whomping Willow: * squish *

Ford Anglia: That's really mean.

Whomping Willow: Don't make me come over there…

Ford Anglia: Dude, you're a tree. You can't come over here.

Whomping Willow: Who you calling tree? I am a BUNNY!

Ford Anglia: Yeah, whatever. Hop, little bunny, HOP!

Whomping Willow: Screw you. Just because SOME of us have wheels.

Ford Anglia: I'm going to go and beat up Acromantula in the Forbidden Forest now, and you can't do anything about it.

Whomping Willow: * squish *

Hermione: We're friends, right?

Ron: Um…yeah…

Hermione: Good. Ex friends until the end?

Ron: What?

Hermione: Good. Now listen. * sings * Best FRIENDS ex friends until the END. Better off as LOVERS not the other way around- Are you even listening?

Ron: Um…

Hermione: Better off as LOVERS.

Ron: I'm gonna go look for Harry. Bye.

Hermione: Boys. Can't take the hint. * huffs * Nobody seems to want me around any more. I wonder WHY? Why, why, why, why, why?!

Harry: Hermione? Is that you?

Hermione: You see? Everyone wanted us to be together, except people who were clever, and Emerson, but then JKR was all 'Ron and Hermione in the conservatory with an anvil' and now Ron doesn't want me, and you're GAY.

Harry: That was an extremely long, confusing run-on sentence.

Hermione: SHUT UP. MY LIFE SUCKS.

Harry: Hey, that's my line!

Hermione: Not any more. Your life doesn't suck, mine does.

Harry: Eh, that's true.

Hermione: I'm ALWAYS right.

BOOM.

Everyone: * jumps *

Harry: WTF was-

BOOM.

Ginny: Shit, shit, we're all going to die!

Hermione: I don't think that-

**BOOM**.

Hermione: Shit.

James: Chill people. It's just National Explosion Day.

Ginny: You spelt explotion wrong.

James: Um…no I didn't.

Ginny: Yes, you did. It's got a T.

James: No,really, it doesn't. Aunt Hermione?

Hermione: IS THIS THE-

BOOM.

Hermione: TIME?

Boom.

James: That was a gay boom.

**BOOM**

James: I TAKE IT BACK!

BOOM.

Hermione: That one was Ron.

Everyone: HUH?!

RON'S FUNERAL

Dun Dun Dun DunDunDun DunDunDun

Hugo: Why are we playing the Darth Vader theme tune?

Molly: It was Arthur's idea.

Hugo: Oh.

Harry: Ron was a good friend, a true friend, a straight friend. In fact, he was my only straight friend and he never let me forget it. He was also bloody annoying, and never said anything but 'OMG WTF' and 'bloody hell Harry'. So I'm slightly glad he's dead. But yeah. Over to Ginny.

Ginny: Yeah…I didn't really like him. He had too much red hair.

Hermione: I loved Ronald, with all my heart.

Rose: Meh.

Hugo: Umm…sob?

Ron: HEY!

Everyone: He's ALIVE! (Dammit)

Ron: I was pretending so that I could see what you said about me.

Everyone: Shit.

Ron: * marches off *

George: Not that way…

BOOM.

Everyone: YAY!

Harry: Let's have a beach party. In LONDON!

Everyone dances.

Voldemort: I have no one to dance with.

Bellatrix: I'LL dance with you.

Voldemort: EW. How have you not got that I'm gay yet? I haz a handbag! And a little doggy woggy. And I say delicioussssss. I'm deliciously evil with my dog and my handbag.

Bellatrix. You don't have a handbag. Or a dog.

Voldemort: I KNOW. * SOB *


End file.
